Brick House

Ow she’s a brick… house
She’s mighty mighty just let-
tin’ it all hang out
(copyrighted lyrics from the song Brick House by Lionel Richie, forced into a Haiku)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ladies – we are cheating. We are deceiving each other and the men in this world.

How? With our bras and the external perception of fullness and symmetry they provide. We should be ashamed.

Why? Because these new bras with the foam padding and strategically placed wedges are hiding the truth. We should be stopped.

For the uninitiated, I categorize these new bras as “enhancing smoothers” and “push up”.  The first type is a bra with a thin layer of foam where a normal cup should be. This thin layer gives you the look of a perfectly perky, balanced and smooth bosom. The problem is on the inside, however:   I look down and see my breastfed-two-kids-lost-and-gained-weight-happily-lopsided breasts almost puddled inside this bra. Sure the bra looks good, and the sweater fits nice, but the girls seem defeated and sad in there, like they are only along for the ride but not allowed to get out of the car.

And the push up? Who wears this? I broke down and bought one a while back, but when I wear it, I get this boob-shelf thing going, where my cleavage starts just south of my clavicle and keeps going and going – this is attractive?!?!  It just becomes a place to catch crumbs.

In either case, if I were dating and wore one of these bras, I would be worried if my relationship progressed… he would know I was deceiving him from the start. What do you say in the bedroom?

“Oh, you look, er, um, different.”

                     “Ah…yes…I, um,  forgot about that.”

“Do you mind putting your bra back on again?”

Total humiliation.

But let’s assume that the bedroom wasn’t my issue. What would happen if an overly tight hug left me dented?  In my case would there be enough internal resistance to pop the dent out? I don’t know! And what does it feel like to hug someone with wonder woman breasts? Would they notice? I don’t know!!

I’ll stick with my normal bra – boring, lace, off white, functional. Far less anxiety.

I realize there are men reading this who vehemently disagree with me (my husband, who likes crumbs, is surely one of them).  And if all you are looking for is eye candy, then fine, enjoy the trend. But don’t say I didn’t warn you about them being deceitful. For the women out there who look good in these bras and fill them in nicely – more power to you. I salute you. But I’m going to stick with my original equipment for now.

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13 Comments

  1. I laughed outloud over the bedroom dialog when the truth came out!

    Reply
  2. sassymommy14

     /  January 21, 2012

    Ha! Unfortunately for me, if I didn’t wear a bra, which I often don’t on the weekends, I’d have the same body shape as my 11 year old son!

    I too have been deflated from breastfeeding 2 boys…not a pretty picture, but the hubby isn’t complaining 🙂

    Reply
  3. This one’s really funny. But truthful. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Funny blog! Like your writing a lot so I linked your blog to mine for a while.

    Reply
  5. Me in the bedroom without a bra: “Ok, how in the world do I keep them out of my armpits while trying to look sexy?” I gave up after a few years 😛 I too prefer lace to padded anything. Have you ever had the problem of gapping on the top of your padded bra where a breast should be but isn’t because it settled into the bottom? What is that about??

    Reply
    • i so hear you – made me laugh with your bedroom quote… i get that gap too – call it the puddling of my breasts… oh well. gotta love ’em!

      Reply
  6. Samir

     /  January 22, 2012

    It’s a tricky one. The thing is, guys are visual. Many women wear these shape-adjusters otherwise they wouldn’t feel sexy, and guys tend to pick up the cue on women who feel and radiate sexiness. Men’s eyes stray to their ‘shelf’ as you call it because it’s attractive and makes the guy think, ‘Ah, she knows she looks good!’ which is usually a turn on for most men.
    I guess it’s all about that first impression and breaking the initial barrier of either being noticed or not, sexually I mean.

    This goes for couples, too, I’d imagine. At least for me. I love my girlfriends B cup, they’re a perfect handful. I don’t need them to big an inch bigger (although she does obsess about this sometimes!). But I do love it when she wears a push-up bra simply because some dresses or certain tops have a cut, where a push-up is jet so damn sexy. At the end of the day, it’s me who’s looking at her ‘shelf’ and enjoying it very much. If other men want to stare. that’s their prerogative, but I’m the one going home with her and staying by her side.

    And yes, I do stare at other womens’ ‘shelves’ because eye-candy is sweet for the eye. But that’s all it is, nothing more. And one last comment, if a guy has that dialog in the bedroom, then please dump him because I can’t imagine why he’s worth the feeling of humiliation. Most guys with an iota of brain matter should know about the beauty industry’s influence on looks.

    Until you’re naked in the bedroom though, the extent of the truth shall remain concealed. It’s the world we live in. We should be used to it by now.

    Reply
  7. I took my mom bra shopping, before I was a mommy myself. I didn’t understand her issue in the dressing room. She kept complaining about how she was filling out the “contoured” bras (or not filling them out as the case may be.) NOW…I’m a mommy and breast feeding and I purchased some nursing bras that are contoured. They’re cute, sexy…until I bend over to clean out the cat box. Then my boobies flow (yes…flow) down which is now out the top of the bra. And when I stand up…they’re peeking out over the lip of the bra. Fortunately I love my mom-bod and so does my husband…but I don’t like to think of using it to hook another man…

    “Whoops! I dropped my keys! Let me just bend over to get those.”
    “Um…you’re sort of…um…you’re…uh…”
    “Oh, that?! That’s nothin’. Just wait till I get you home, honey. You can juggle these puppies.”

    I guess my husband is stuck with me.

    Reply
  8. I really had a good laugh at this post. I am glad somebody noticed the deceit but still could not hold back the laughter when you raised the point (excuse the pun) about what these bra’s actually do.

    Most men, myself included do enjoy the eye candy but I have to agree with you regarding the sudden change in appearance when you get into the room.

    Really great post, keep it up.

    Reply
  9. Funny, I thought I was the only one who thought that way, but it is so totally true!

    Reply
  10. This was wonderfully written and quite humerous! I love it! It’s so true. The sad thing is I yet to have children…but have had a few years of weight gain and loss…my poor boobs are confused!

    Reply

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