Am I being replaced?

Sitting here jealous
of homework and puppy walks.
I don’t wanna work.

”””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””

The change has been quite subtle… My daughter would run to Dad as much as me when she hurt herself and needed comfort. And then the kids would call me Dad (granted, they would call him Mom).  But a few weeks ago was the hardest blow… my stay-at-home-dad-husband did a very mom thing. He was thoughtful. As in “full of thought”. He thought ahead, planned and did something for one of the kids that officially granted him entry into mom-hood.

I was devastated.

I’m ok being called Dad. Hell, I go through a rolodex of names when I talk to my kids too. But I always saw myself as occupying unique space as “The Mom”. I thought ahead enough to buy the birthday gift before day of the party.  I realized that my girl was sad and needed comfort before the tears arrived.  I was sensitive, I was interpreting what was important and I was acting to avoid a problem. And dammit if he didn’t do just that.

If I were honest with myself, I’d admit that I was hoping this would happen. It can be exhausting being the only one who thought this way and I often bemoan (in my own petty little head) that he “just doesn’t get it”. But I’d be lying if I didn’t take some martyr like satisfaction from thinking no one could do this job but me; that no matter what, I am mom and therefore better. And slowly now I’ve had to get used to sharing the spot light.

When we both worked, no matter what, I was still the chief parent.  We only had the one kid then, and she preferred me; I made a lot of the rules; I made a lot of the kid decisions (yes, some exaggeration, but not a lot…I’m not a wench, it just mostly works out that way when you’re the mom, right?).  And then, he became chief parent, he was in charge most of the time – and I tumbled in stature.  It was very hard for me to get used to.  Still, I lived off the fact that both kids would prefer to hang out with me rather than with dad if given the choice.  And I was sure I still had a unique skill set that the Y chromosome was incapable of duplicating.

Snf snf. I was wrong. I’ll get over it.  Statistically speaking he was bound to do something like that at some point, and it hasn’t happened again since then so there’s still hope. But there’s no going back.  Right now, and likely for a while, this is the right choice for our family, all things considered. My life is blessed and I’m more settled right now then I’ve been in a while, much in part to how wonderfully this set up is working.  It’s just that the view is different from this position and I’m not sure I’ll ever be totally ok with that…

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5 Comments

  1. Don’t worry, no one can replace you as Mom! It just can not happen! My exhusband recently got married and at first I was worried that the new step mom was trying to replace me (well truthfully she probably is), but the fact is she is doing more harm to my ex than she is in replacing me! Just know that your kids know who you are and that you are Mom, and nobody can take that position from you, not even an Awesome Dad, who would give up the statis of being the bacon winner because that is what is best for the family!

    Peace and Harmony,
    Sallyjane

    Reply
  2. I am friends with a couple where Mom works, and Dad stays at home. I am a stay-at-home-mom. I have often wondered, but never been able to ask, if my friend feels displaced by her husband. But in the end, when I see how my daughter gallops up the hallway when Daddy gets home from work, I realize that children have big hearts with room to spare. There is room for two thoughtful parents (and what are the chances he’ll repeat the procedure anyway?) When I remember my childhood I was always most touched when my father was thoughtful, but that’s because he was so UN-thoughtful most of the time. My mom gets the award for marathon thoughtfulness. Dad was just a sprinter.

    Reply
  3. Not to worry. Mom is still one of your 5 roles. 😉

    Reply
  4. Also…sounds to me like your husband is exceeding 80%. You should read my post for today. Now if I could only get mine to take a few clues from yours. (Grumble.)

    Reply

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