A 10 pound raccoon
Versus a middle-aged man.
Well this should be fun.
Raccoons used to be cute creatures to me. Fuzzy, with that little lone ranger mask that makes them seem even more like a cuddly toy.  I remember my friend Stephanie had a favorite stuffed toy – Randy Raccoon.  They shared a bed. He was cute too.

There are no longer cute raccoons in my life. There is only the asshole raccoon that has been living inside our porch roof rafters. We’ve been hearing him off and on for a while. Thought perhaps he was a rat. We’d get geared up to do something about it and then he’d go all quiet on us… so we talked ourselves into believing it was our imagination or noisy pipes.

Then he came back. And started making a lot more noise. He was building a loft, moving in furniture, making himself a right cozy little nest. Something had to be done.

You might ask how we was getting in. Well, apparently he can either levitate or, like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, he has unimaginable talent for hanging upside down by his fingertips and then pulling himself into a small opening in our soffit (the underside of the roof overhang). In any event, there was a clear place he was getting in, we just didn’t really think that was how he was doing it. Oh well, score one for the raccoon.

So, yesterday, my beloved closed up that hole. He hoped like hell that the raccoon was not inside when he did this. Does hope actually work for anyone? Because it sure did not work for us.  My sweet was wrong (normally I would relish seeing that in writing; not so much today). He trapped the critter in.

And so, last night, we heard him scampering all over. The way our house is made, he had a lovely walking path from the porch, directly over my desk in our home office toward another porch. And by the sounds of his walk, he was pissed. Frank went to bed, but I was up working late and I swore, based on the noises he was making, the coon had somehow acquired power tools and a hammer.  When I came to bed, Frank assured me that the varmint wasn’t going anywhere, that it wouldn’t chew through our concrete and lath ceiling and come visit us durng the night. And most importantly, he promised he would get him out of there the next day.

Today is the next day. And Coon-zilla struck overnight. That little nuisance did indeed get out. He chewed his way out. But not down, into the house as I feared, but up, through the freaking roof. Yes, I said he chewed through the roof.  He chewed through plywood and shingles to free himself. We now have a coon sized hole in the roof over the porch.

Apparently I was right about the power tools.

The only good news in all this? The porch had a leak we couldn’t isolate, but the new skylight in the roof clearly points out the soft spot. So we can now add this roof repair to the top of the “many things we have to spend money on because this is an 86 year old home” list. Oh joy.

As I head to bed tonight, I rest happily knowing the hole has a temporary patch on it (only Arnold SchwarzenCoon could get back in), the ceiling has been quiet, and the “have-a-heart” trap by the pond is armed with giant marshmallows. Score one for the humans.

Leave a comment


  1. Laurie

     /  February 1, 2012

    I can SO relate! Last year my then 16 year old daughter came downstairs one morning and informed us that “rats” were in the attic. She said they kept her awake all night. I promised to have my husband check it out that evening and we went about our day. When my husband came home I heard a distinct ” SHIT” coming from the back yard. ( I hadn’t looked or been back there since my daughters complaint) as I walked outside I froze in my tracks! From one end of the yard to the other and floating in the pool was pink fluffy insulation from my attic! As I followed my husbands gaze toward the roof I saw a bowling ball sized hole through the siding of the upper potion (attic) of the house. Whether maniCoon thought we needed a new window or was suffering from a memory lapse and couldnt remember how he got in, I’ll never know….but what a MESS!

  2. literarylunchbox

     /  February 1, 2012

    We have been using a company called Critter Detective to lure our raccoons. We evidently have a mating pair, to judge from the caterwauling. They are nocturnal- go out at night to forage – hence the reason why when you closed off the hole, you closed him in. It was daytime. We caught one, but the other one was still cruising around. Finally thought we caught #2 – but instead, it was an opossum. So we are now up to about a week with the trap, baiting the trap, checking the trap, etc. Sigh. At least we don’t have a hole in the roof- they were getting in under the foundation and working their way up between the walls and the floorboards.
    I love your haikus, BTW!

  3. Raccoons freak me out. I don’t know where they’re coming from, but there have been a lot around my neighbourhood, especially at night. I fear I will come home late one night and have to cross their paths.

  4. Reading this post it sounded like a job for an old woman with a shovel. Hope you managed to get rid of the little critter

  5. I agree with Anne. Just call an old woman with a shovel next time. Problem solved!

  6. When I was a kid we lived in a 105 year old farm house. My Dad carefully constructed bedrooms in the basement for my sister and myself. The first night we spent in our new rooms we kept hearing things, obviously these noises scared the stuffing out of us so we went to go tell Mom and Dad. As soon as we enteres the hallway of our basement ‘wing’ we saw what had been making the noises. Red Squirrels…3 of them. OMG..I cannot tell you how quickly we ran up those stairs and into Mom and Dad’s room, screaming the whole way LOL With the help of live traps and my Dad patching the hole they were using as a front door it took about a week to get rid of the little visitors.

    I still think they are cute tho 😉

  7. I know it couldn’t have been funny at the time–and maybe to you it won’t be funny for a while, but I laughed out loud!

  8. We’ve declared a full-on war with raccoons. I can definitely relate to this post! Good luck, hope the big guy falls for the marshmallow treats . . .

  9. I have nominated you for the Liebster Blogger Award because I enjoy your writing so much that every form of promotion needs to be used to get the world to read your blog! You are hilarious!


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