Depressing Mail

We both watch you age.
You cannot halt the winter;
I long for the spring.
………………………………………………

The title of this post might indicate that today’s mail was filled with bills or something of the like. Perhaps a magazine that touted younger skin or tighter abs… No, today’s mail brought a catalog. Not a cool catalog, like Nordstroms or Levenger or something like that. It was “Gold Violin, Helpful Products for Independent Living”.

Thanks, direct marketing association.

I am only 44 years old. Although I’m missing one original part (gall bladder), none of my other parts have ever been replaced. I haven’t purchased orthotic shoes or cable knit sweaters or any other item that would correlate to needing “helpful products”.  I’m more than just a little worried about what in my catalog purchase history triggered this. (To be clear, I also regularly get a catalog aimed at very stylish black women (I’m a decidedly un-stylish white woman) so who knows what my profile looks like…)

I could have thrown it out, but instead I decided to try to understand what all is considered “helpful” today. My parents are aging, so I might want to familiarize myself with these items.  I must say the “Suction Cup Tub Rail” featured on the cover was a real eye catcher, so I dove right in.

Page 3 – Dual transport chair and Rollator. What is a “rollator”. Is the ‘a’ pronounced ‘a’ like acorn or ‘a’ like away? One sounds sinister: the Roll-A-tor, like “Terminator”. RollaTOR sounds like an antacid. Hmm…

Page 5 – Between the Seat Stuff Catchers. No more lost keys or coins. Looks kinda cool.

Pages 8-11 – Shoes. Holy crap, some of these look like ones I already have. I especially like the Acorn Z Strap Spa Slippers, simply because they combine the class of velcro with the softness of terry and the attractiveness of something Pepto-pink. Have dog-eared the page for future reference.

Page 17 – Bibs disguised as aprons. I’m not talking the plastic things you get at the BBQ joint. These are ponchos that extend to your thighs with a wide pocket at the bottom to catch what you drop/dribble. The models wearing them couldn’t look less happy to have gotten this particular job.

Page 24 – I’ve never seen so many magnifying devices… 2x, 2.5x, 3x (really, that difference matters?), 6x, 10x, plus the 6 piece set ranging from 4x to 10x. Who needs to work through 6 difference magnifying glasses to read a map. And who actually reads maps anymore?

Page 28 – Look at all the different gel wraps you can get for your toes! No wonder old people walk slow: they have all this crap in their shoes. I swear this one cap is just a cut down condom. Really creepy looking.

Pages 38-39 — So many options to keep from killing yourself in the tub or shower or on the toilet. Good to know.

Pages 52-53 – Pain relief. Also where they assume the catalog’s readers are idiots. Dr. Necky Pain Relief? Dr. Archy Pain Relief? Boo boo cover up? I refuse to order anything that makes me sound like I’m talking to a 3-year-old.

And my favorite… Page 40 – Wipe assist. Nice.

I really can’t think of a way to wrap this up. I mean, after “wipe assist” there really isn’t much more to say. I can only hope this has been helpful to those of your wondering what help looks like later in life…

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13 Comments

  1. Wipe Assist? I can only imagine how that works… 🙂

    Reply
  2. ldmccormck

     /  February 24, 2012

    You, my friend, are hilarious!!

    Reply
  3. Hahaha – well Maureen, now you know what happens when you buy a housecoat. Too funny!

    Reply
  4. Jewell

     /  February 25, 2012

    Your comment about “no wonder old people walk slow, they have all this crap in their shoes” made me laugh out loud. I don’t do that very often. Maybe it just struck home!

    Reply
  5. Leigh

     /  February 25, 2012

    Just brainstorming here……but could the caftan purchase (see previous blog) have triggered the “helpful catalog”?

    Reply
  6. To my (former) friends who are implying my recent housecoat purchase has triggered this: You should know that I purchased said caftan IN a store, AS a gift return, WHILE in the witness protection program, thereby leaving no marketing trace. I refuse to see the connection…

    Reply
  7. This made me think of those commercials for old people where they put a door on their bathtubs to help them get out of the tub & those ones with the lift on the railing to help them get up the stairs.

    Reply
  8. I nominated you for several awards! Check out my Liebster Blogger Awards part III page to see them!

    P.S. why don’t they just call it “ass wipe” after all is that what our husbands are going to do for us in our later years?

    Reply
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