A New Definition of Normal (Not for the Squeamish)

First the dog threw up…
on the kid…. and then the kid
threw up… on the dog.*


When work gets a little nutso, I tend to call my husband. His voice just seems to lower my blood pressure and remind me what really matters. Today was like that: I called him as I was heading to a meeting and told him “I just need a little normal”. He laughed, wondering how bad it must be if the happenings at our home seemed normal, but proceeded to tell me about his morning, AB’s morning, etc. And then he told me about our “normal” dog.

Seems Lily the wonder poodle went out to poop this morning, very normal indeed, but then she pooped two or three more times while in the yard. That’s not normal. When she finally came back in, Frank noticed that she still had poop hanging out of her bottom. Again, not at all normal; in fact, a little alarming since this has happened a few times in the last few days.  Then he shared the best part of all: as he was pulling the poop off her bottom, he pulled a paper towel out of her ass.

Half sheet.

Totally intact.

And after he did this, he proceeded to pull a second half sheet paper towel out of her ass. It appears that just like a canister of wet wipes, when you remove one, the next one pops up, waiting to be extracted.

Oh my god. I don’t think normal will ever be the same again.

We then had a great time with the puns. It is no longer “select a sheet” but “select a shit”.  Plus, the new selling line is the “quicker pooper-upper”. This went on for several minutes and I encourage you to add your own thoughts in the comments section.  He then threatened to rinse them out and lie them side by side with other slightly used paper towels to see if I could tell the difference. The call ended soon thereafter.

(For those of you wondering why I feed my dog paper towels… we caught her red-handed on Sunday licking the “breakfast-bacon-draining-paper-towels” which she had fished out of the garbage; had no clue she had already scarfed down two.)

Anyway, before I ended the call, I proclaimed my continuing appreciation for my husband and his willingness to deal with these types of situations. (I would have collapsed immediately upon noticing the fluffy end sticking out; he doesn’t rattle near as easily.) I returned to spread sheets and conference calls, but kept reflecting on the visual image of him, with the kids mesmerized by his side,  pulling out the paper towels like a magician fishing scarves from inside his clenched fist. I’m sure people wondered why I kept smiling.

(Note: Thanks to Frank for the wet wipes and magician metaphors! Stolen with his full knowledge.)

(*by the way, only the first 8 syllables are truth; the rest is just funny to visualize)

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  1. OMG I read this out loud to my partner and we were both laughing so hard that we had to pause between paragraphs. Thank you for contributing to our now washboard abs.

  2. townsendlee

     /  March 6, 2012

    Lol!!! Too funny! I’m here at work – night shift, short-staffed on a telemetry unit, a full seven hours to go and I only had a grand total of two hours between last night’s 12-hour shift and tonight’s! I NEEDED this laugh. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing! 🙂


  3. Erica

     /  March 7, 2012

    This made my night a whole lot better. (:
    Although, in regards to why you were feeding your dog paper towels… at least you weren’t feeding her rocks, like I did as a toddler. Paper towels seem slightly more compatible with a digestive tract. haha
    (When I was 2, I handed my dog chunks of rocks and she obediently gobbled them up, much to my mother’s dismay.)

  4. i had a German Shepherd as a kid who ate rocks, too… Frankly, i’m most concerned about the fact that the digestive track apparently did nothing to the paper towel. now THAT’S tough!

  5. So bizarre. Our yorkie is named Lily. Our “New Definition of Normal”…same thing, except with a tampon she managed to eat out of the trash. How’s that for a visual?


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