I am soooo white (tales from the beach)

Take one part white girl;
Add equal parts sun, surf, sand.
Remove when crispy.
I am melanin challenged. So is my husband. When we hooked up and then decided to breed, we clearly violated Darwin’s survival of the fittest as we did not choose a mate that would amplify our good bits and relegate our bad bits to recessive-status. We seemed to have picked each other specifically for our recessive-trait similarities.

One specific example, our said lack of color.

And now we have two children to whom we have passed on our extreme white-ness. Poor things. It takes us 20 minutes of slathering before they can get to the beach. Given they are small and medium, their patience is less than stellar, and the wait about kills them (and nearly drives me to murderous acts too).

So it was no surprise that after one part of a day in the sun on our beach vacation, our first day in fact, I get sunburned. You see, not only am I cadaver white, I have short arms (the visual image I’m painting of myself only gets better…). This lack of arm length, coupled with what can only be sunscreen –induced spasms, means I missed getting sunscreen to some of the most bizarre, random places.  I did have assistance on my back, but between my back and my front (the shoulders to some of us) I now have these misshapen, oddly located lobster-red parts. It is the damnedest thing.

Know what the best news is? I am not alone. I am not vacationing at a ritzy place… this beach is crawling with normal people. That means there are men with hairy chests, shoulders and backs, over weight women wearing bikinis, some obnoxious kids and loads of super-Caucasian people sporting sunburns just like me  – such a breath of fresh air relative to the media overdose of beautiful people with beautifully colored bodies. So I don’t mind showing that I’m more like everyone else (minus the bikini , thank you very much …). Please join me; just bring your sunglasses – the glare is out of this world.

Leave a comment


  1. I have missed you and your sense of humour! I am also Casper-white, but with connect-the-dot freckles that connect to themselves in the summer. Basically a giant freckle with white trim. The joys of red hair.
    I think I will, however, adopt your label of “melanin challenged.” Much more palatable than maggot white.

    • Thank you!! Have been in overdrive in my non-blog life, but with vacation coming to a close, life will return to “normal”, whatever that is…


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