My Right Boob

So sad, neglected,
it decries its lot in life:
always second best.
———————————————————–

Although I never saw the Daniel Day Lewis film entitled My Left Foot, I feel quite certain that this posting will not come near to its critical or commercial acclaim. If this is what you are seeking, look away now. (Why you thought a posting entitled My Right Boob would contain such enlightened messages and storytelling is clearly a topic for a future posting…)

My right boob has an issue. It insists on being the center of attention. Now, if I only had one boob, being the center would be ok, although a little weird and anatomically challenging. But I do have two still. And for some reason, my right one isn’t happy about sharing the limelight.

What does it do to deserve such a call out? Each and every time I wear a long necklace, my right boob manages to arrange itself such that the necklace drapes around it, encircling it in a ring of silver or jewels. Look at me! Look at me! it seems to exclaim.  Every time. And it isn’t like I’m gyrating like a stripper to get it to do this. I’m simply walking from my desk to the bathroom, or my car to the office. Sway, sway, sway… hooked! My necklace landed a breast. Scoooooore!

This is what it should look like, but noooooo….

It is the damnedest thing. I have examined my gait, how I hold my shoulders, how I pull my wheeled laptop case. I can’t figure out what I’m doing. So I’ve decided that it isn’t me. Apparently my breast is in cahoots with my left ankle, right hip and a vertebrae. Somehow they align to ensure maximum breast ensnarement by whatever jewelry I’m wearing that day.

It isn’t like my right boob doesn’t already get more attention. It is the bigger one. Both of my kids favored it when snack time rolled around and it over-achieved during that time remarkably. Perhaps it is just no longer happy with that historical notoriety. It wants to be publicly recognized as superior in the present tense… as the one preferred by 4 out of 5 statement necklaces.

I just don’t know what to do about it. I’ve taken to holding my necklaces whenever I move about, which makes it hard to carry my water bottle, notebook and two mobile devices. I look like a bad shoplifter. But if I ignore it, I find myself looking down in the middle of a meeting with a VP only to find my breast happy-dancing about its framing, clearly clamoring for much-needed attention.

How do I stop it? I don’t want to cease wearing fun, long necklaces… that would punish us all. But I can’t keep awarding the bad behavior with new bling.

I welcome insight and suggestions for how to get my right boob back in line. “Little left boobs, unite!”  is a campaign I should perhaps try to work on…

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7 Comments

  1. too funny!!

    Reply
  2. Hilarious! Your articulate explanation of the scene had me there–thanks for the visual! Now I have some sexy, sweatered, pendulous boob slung up by a bling-y underwire harness–that’s hot!

    Reply
    • Today at work… i kid you not… the lady across the table during a meeting had the same thing going on – nice necklace, ensnared right boob. I couldn’t stop staring at her chest because she didn’t seem to notice… am now creeped out by the perhaps telekinetic powers of my breast…

      Reply
  3. Today I wore a top that had a chain on it and it kept going around my left boob. I’m not sure if it was just this chain in particular, or if this will happen with other chains as well. I suppose I’ll have to test this and find out. Maybe it’s like right handedness and left handedness? And you’re right boobed and I’m left boobed?

    Reply
    • I’m less concerned about the “Handed-ness” of our chests (although you are likely right) than by the obvious rampant nature of this phenomenon… what’s up? is there a cosmic shift about?? i’m officially a little spooked…

      Reply
  4. Perhaps your boob is tired from all of its hard work and is trying to hang itself. I suggest giving it some special treatment–a nipple cream massage, for instance–to lift it out of its state of depression. But, don’t give it too much preferential treatment or the left one will become suicidal next.

    Reply

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