Notes to Self — Open November 1, 2013

My brain is a sieve,
With, alas, widening holes…
…………..What was I saying?

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Every year at the holidays, I have to re-learn, remember or re-argue something that I’m so sure I told myself not to forget the year prior, but clearly did. So this year, I’m writing it all down with plans to read it ahead of the year-end craziness.  Here it is…

Notes to self

The Honey Baked Ham store does not require you to reserve a ham. Frank is always right about this. Stop humiliating yourself by insisting each year he is wrong, storming to the internet, only to find out he is right.

The Honey Baked Home store is open on Sundays during the Holidays. Again, Frank has the memory of an elephant here – let him have it.

You will debate with yourself as to whether you’ve bought too much or not enough for the kids at least 5 times.  Don’t think that this year is worse than last. They are all the same. And yes, you bought too much, but you always figure it out before Christmas Day.

Frank will be of very little help in the “did I buy too much or not enough” saga. He will simply witness the several debates you have with yourself that you insist having him present for. Don’t expect him to do more than nod. Again, this one works itself out in the end.

At their most limbic level, kids like empty boxes, no matter what the age. Simple is better.  Remember this when ordering presents on-line.

Don’t waste all the best Buddy the Elf on the Shelf hang out spaces early in the season.  It’s a looooong December.

You put the C7 lights on the evergreens and the mini bulbs on the roses. You wrapped only the red bud tree, not the birch. It requires every flipping extension cord you own.

Volunteering to holiday-sit the class gerbils always sounds cooler than it really is. They are just more things you have to keep alive. Think twice.

No matter what the witch-y voice in your head says, you haven’t been the only one doing things for the family for Christmas.  Give him some credit.

The Costco sized, 18-sleeve box of Ritz crackers will seem like a good idea December 1. Shortly thereafter, it will seem like a colossal waste of space. And then in the blink of an eye you’ll look in the box and find only 3 sleeves left. It’s a good call. Buy it and stop debating it with yourself.

Consider this year having a fancy Christmas Eve evening meal, instead of Christmas Day evening meal.  Or be ready to ditch that put upon feeling that comes around 4pm Christmas Day when everyone else is lounging around recovering from all the ruckus and you have to (wait, want to, remember?) cook.  Christmas Eve might just do the trick, and left over standing rib roast is still amazing…

Try to wait a little deeper into December before cutting a Christmas tree.  The week before Christmas 2012 ours had the moisture of a cocktail toothpick… not good.

Please add to this list each year, as I have a nagging suspicion I’ve forgotten something…

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eBay Picture Bloopers

Humor lurks, waiting
to be found. It is stealthy;
make sure you look twice.

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I love eBay. During long holiday breaks, like the last two weeks, I usually get some hair-brained ideas on things I must have, and then I stalk eBay for days. I usually change my mind partway through the hunt, realizing I’m being a little obsessive about having the perfect “vintage pull chain” to match our 86-year-old house. But sometimes I persist and end up with something really cool.

My travels in Ebay this holiday season have netted me three pictures that I think merit a blog post. They are for what I’m sure are outstanding items. However, each image struck me as quite funny.

First, a lovely ring.

Is anyone else totally mesmerized by the finger hair? I can’t get past it. I’m sure it is a woman’s hand… I reviewed the other photos posted and the hand is most definitely female.  I’m just thinking that I would personally outsource this job to someone else if I had this much hair in a close up.

Now, what do you think about this lamp?

The seller talked about the lovely cherub and the beautiful brass detail. All I can see is a demon on the stained glass.  Wire eyes and an open black mouth screaming. I would NOT have this in my house.

An art deco lamp I came across…

bullet light

Are you kidding me? This is not a light. It is a dildo, plain and simple. They are posted as bullet lights, torpedo lights or sky scraper lights. But I think this is code for something naughty. Search eBay for dildo light and you’ll see virtually the same thing. Search for penis clear and you’ll see things I’m not sure I understand, so I can’t recommend that. (the things people sell…)

Anyway, for those considering selling on eBay, I urge you to get a second point of view on your images, lest they convey something different then your intention. In the meantime, I’m going back to my search for the perfect Arts and Craft Floor lamp, or perhaps I will go with the mid century modern swag light… and the dining room chairs are cool too… but maybe the wall scone and vintage bathroom mirror are my best choice… (oh god, please, make me stop!)

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