Get off the road

Alone, I travel,
Amongst the idiots, dazed,
my foot on the brake…


There are some people who are just too stupid to drive. Yesterday, while merging onto the interstate, I encountered a convention of them: A charlie foxtrot of about 25 of the worse, most inane drivers in the history of motorized travel. Here is what I encountered in a mere 2 miles of highway driving.

1. Daydreamers. These are the people I’d like to believe are merciless, but who I really think are just so totally air-headed they don’t realized they are driving stupid. When I’m in the right lane and come upon an on ramp, what do I do? I look around, see if I can pull over to give the mergers room, or slow down/speed up so they have a good area to merge in. Daydreamers do none of this. And by some sadistic coincidence, they match my speed and location leaving me nary a place to merge either in front or behind them. I’m forced to slow way down, creating a dangerous merge, and then try to jump in behind them before I run out of road. Since today I was, as I said, in a CF of idiots, this was not easy. I’d like to believe they were limited to the slow lane, but alas, they were scattered across all three lanes of traffic. How each managed to fire enough synapses to actually drive a car is a mystery.

2. Mario Andretti wanna-be’s. These are the people who lease cars they can’t afford so they can drive something badass… and then drive like an ass, badly. High speed lane, middle lane, wait, you can’t pass me, high-speed lane, fasterfasterfaster, wait, middle lane, hey! what’s that mini van doing, coming over, screw the blinker, oh crap, there’s my exit, screech, I made it… how cool am I. You aren’t cool. You are a prick. And there were 4 of you in front of me today. Thanks for the blood pressure spikes.

3. Mr. I”m Going the Speed Limit, So There. This is THE most immature driver on the planet. Their speed limit induced self-righteousness makes me want to slam into their trunks at 55 mph.  They say things like “I’m going the speed limit, who cares if I’m in the high-speed lane” all the while people pile up behind them who want to (shockingly) go faster than the speed limit. I’m not advocating speeding (although I do it regularly). I’m simply saying that if you are in the high-speed lane you should be going, gee, I don’t know, high speed?  Can you count? If there are more than 2 cars visible in your rear view mirror and they seem exceptionally close, GET OUT OF THE WAY! Thanks to the ding-a-lings of this breed yesterday, the Mario Andretti’s were gamed into being even more ridiculous than usual. I’m not sure who is worse.

I was ever so grateful that my journey only required a few miles on the interstate. That was long enough to wonder if I had entered some parallel dimension, where some new force, stronger than gravity, had somehow brought all these cars together in a single grouping.  A single grouping of idiots hell-bent on making me scream obscenities and gesture mutely inside my car.

My request: if you recognize yourself above, please take some remedial classes or something. You are a danger to yourself and others. If you choose not to repent, then promise to let someone else teach your children how to drive — or better yet, no breeding at all; let’s nip that gene pool right now.  Thank you.

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