Mortified (more bathroom escapades)

My life’s up and downs,
I manage with ease; but one –
leaves me stunned, staggered.
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I recently posted about my musings while in the bathroom. It isn’t as gruesome as you might imagine, rather a series of observations and questions that have come to me while attending to nature. Suffice it to say that I pay attention while in the bathroom.

So, let me relay a recent occurrence that I am still a little shaky about. There I was, in the last stall, when I felt the seat drop, significantly, even though I remained still. Shortly after that, I heard a flushing sound, not from the toilet next to me, but the one behind me… through the wall… in the men’s room that abuts the ladies. (!)

Oh my god… The shift downward of my toilet… no… it couldn’t be… it happened – please say it isn’t so –  when my through-the-wall comrade stood up, having completed his business.

Eww…. Our toilets were somehow linked through the wall. We were back to back — way too close for me. And our toilets made… a toilet teeter-totter.

Double ewww.  How shoddy is the construction at my work that I could feel him depart? How do they hang the toilets on the wall such that this is possible? Will I ever, ever be able to use that bathroom again? (See the other post; I’m running out of places I feel comfortable going…).

Later that night, I was telling Frank about this (when you’ve been married as long as us, you’ve pretty much run out of things to talk about, so you have to dig kinda deep). And then it hit me. The unthinkable. If I felt my seat drop when he got up, then… (I can’t even think it let alone type it)… then he must have pitched up a few inches when I plopped down, none too delicately, I’m sure.

One hundred times ewwwww. What must that other person have thought when moments from finishing up, he felt that upward movement of the seat? Did he realize what happened or was he in the home stretch such that he wasn’t paying attention?  Me, at the realization?  I doubled over in agony, in despair, in complete and total embarrassment. It didn’t matter that he was a stranger. I am forever changed, forever mortified.

Seriously, now I really can’t ever use that bathroom again. It’s going to be a long summer.

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Asparagus Pee and Other Bathroom Musings

There is a fine line.
Wondering if I crossed it…
Or just nudged it some.

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Not sure why, and not sure I really want to delve into why, but every time lately when I enter a bathroom I begin studying what is happening rather intently. My own habits, the habits of others, where things are placed, how we behave towards each other while in there, etc. I have come to realize several rather startling things. So of course, I’m going to tell you about them now.

1. I wonder what cavemen thought when, after eating asparagus, their pee smelled funny.  Personally, I wondered once when it happened many years ago, Google’d it and learned all about it. Now when it happens I just nod in understanding. How odd to have it happen to you 20,000 years ago and not understand. “Ugh… ugh ugh… UGGGHHH!” I would love to see that cave drawing…

File:Asparagus image.jpg

image from Wikipedia

2. Do you ever want to apologize when you are at work and have to go #2 and it is the most appalling smell ever and someone comes in the bathroom? I have so been tempted to say something like “I’m sorry, something died in my colon… they aren’t sure what it is but they said it would eventually stop.” or the more fun version ” Boy, howdy! What in the good lord’s name did I eat? That’s the last time I have Skyline Chili with a White Castle chaser!” Like I said, very tempting…

3. Point 2 is made all the worse when there are only two stalls. At least when there are three stalls I feel a little better that the person can get away.

4.   But then when there are 3 stalls (and point 2 above is still in play), and I’m politely ensconced in the end stall… why in blazes does the newcomer take the middle stall? My god, can’t you smell that? Get away!!

5. Are you a stall skipper or fill-er-in-er? In point 4, and assuming a normal circumstance, would you leave a polite gap between you and the other person or sidle up nice and close? I’m a skipper.

6. Do you have a favorite stall?

7. I read an article once that the cleanest public toilet seat is the toilet closest to the door. No one wants to pick the first stall because they assume everyone picks it, but for just that reason, it IS the cleanest. Who does this testing? And what does that mean about the stall furthest from the door? Ewww.

8. Why haven’t those little garbage cans evolved even the slightest in the last 50 years?  I’ve seen the versions in other countries – they are cool. But we get these WWI leftovers for some reason.

9. Do you think urinal cakes, like their edible cousins, are now being replaced by urinal cupcakes?

10.  What is it about public toilet door construction that they can’t manufacture it with a smaller gap? While out today at an art fair, the gap was thicker than my palm.  I leaned to the side, somehow convincing myself that if I couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see me. (Beevis & Butthead moment… art fair…. fart air…. heh heh, heh heh…)

11. No matter what, while walking past a bathroom at work at the exact moment someone opens the door to exit it, I have to look at them. What am I expecting to see?  I even do it when it is a men’s room. It is mortifying… almost a reflex. I really have to concentrate when it happens to not lift my gaze. Weird.

12. I brought in a can of air freshener for one of the bathrooms at work. And now I’m totally creeped out to pick it up. Do you wash your hands first and then spray it? Or try to quickly cover your tracks and wash second. And regardless of what you do, what did the person before you do? I’ve stopped using that particular bathroom now…

Not at all sure how to wrap this up. Crumple or fold…

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