Hard questions: answers
rush out, untamed, left alone…
oh, what have I done?
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It’s Tuesday, and with my beloved traveling, it was up to me to handle bath time. No biggie. The kids are getting to be relatively low maintenance in the bath, with only my 6-year-old son needing some help to get things clean after a good soak. Partway through he called me to come back into the bathroom.
What’s up?
“Mom? What are these called again? I can’t remember.”
I peered to see what he was talking about, only to find him holding his penis up and away at an angle that made me cringe, while also pulling on his testicles rather vigorously.
Those? Below your penis? Those are your testicles.
“And what do they do?”
Well, *cough cough* you know how mommies have eggs inside them to make babies? Well daddies have sperm inside them to make babies with the mommies. The sperm is in your testicles.
“I don’t understand. How does that work?”
(Oh shit, I thought.) Well, the sperm and the eggs combine inside of mommy to make a baby. I knew fully well this was inadequate and other, even more dreaded questions, were heading my way.
“But how does the sperm get there?” There was a note of concern in his voice.
The daddy puts the sperm inside of mommy. We have a special hole in our girl parts. (What in the hell have I gotten myself into? Stop talking.)
“How does the sperm get out of me? Does it hurt?”
No. It doesn’t.
“But how? Do they have to cut it out?”
No, no, no. It comes out of the same hole that you pee out of.
He quickly looked at his penis now, still unnaturally pulled to one side. A questioning look crossed his sweet face. “Do they have to go inside and scoop it out?” He gestured like he was holding a spoon. I almost laughed out loud, this was such a genuinely confused little question.
No, sweetie. You can make it come out yourself. (Think before you answer, woman… dammit…)
“What? How?” Again, he peered down at his penis, as if it was something foreign and little scary now that he knew it had certain powers.
Well, trust me, you can just make it happen. But don’t worry, you won’t be able to do it for a long time. You won’t make sperm until it’s time to make babies. You’ll be much older.
“Oh, like when I’m 16.”
No! Much older than that. You aren’t ready for babies at 16.
“Ohhh, maybe when I’m 30.”
Yes, that’s more like it. When you are 30.
And with that, he was done. Penis released, testicles relaxed, he returned to his pleasant bath time. I am left fearful, however, as to how this conversation will get translated to his Kindergarten teachers tomorrow. Will he recount certain parts, parts explained separately but recounted as if they are of the same thought? “My mom told me that when I’m 30 I will be able to make sperm come out of my penis. But they won’t cut it out. She has a special hole. But I’ll be too young at 16. My sperm is in my testibules.”
So to Mrs. Martin and Ms. Ferone, as well as the parents of any classmates who are entertained with stories in the coming days, first, my apologies and second, do not judge until you have also navigated the tricky waters that I have.
FamilyHaikus 
Karen Kreutz
/ April 2, 2013Omg
Sent from my iPhone Karen
Robert Gregory
/ April 3, 2013LOL! Makes me honestly wish I had children. You did a great job in my childless opinion. 🙂
Family Haikus
/ April 3, 2013appreciate the vote of confidence!
facelikeafryingpan
/ April 3, 2013“Will they have to cut it out of me?” Hehe. That is priceless. I’m just imagining the day when he is all grown up and you can show him that post.
Family Haikus
/ April 3, 2013I think on his first date it would be precious!
facelikeafryingpan
/ April 3, 2013Hehe. Definitely. All of his first dates, in fact.
Lyssapants
/ April 10, 2013Sounds like you did an excellent job.