I’m Cheating on My Husband (Honey, Don’t Read This)

Well… paybacks are hell;
And I deserve to suffer;
But it’s so worth it.

He is traveling… My mind wanders. A sly smile crosses my face as I picture possibilities.

What to do, what to do…

And like Phineas, a voice in my head shouts: “Maureen, I know what we’re going to do today! Make pancakes for dinner so the kids will like you more than dad.”

And with that, I cheat on Frank. I use his “out of town-ness” as a means to ingratiate myself to the children. Pancakes for dinner are just the start. There’s an indoor picnic (my 21st Century name for eating on the floor in front of the TV). There’s dessert and skipping brushing teeth. There a 3D movie in my bed, lights off, just like the movies.  There’s staying up just a little extra and no book reading.

I am evil. Bwah hah hah. Any chance I get to establish myself as the cool mommy, I take it. Even if it means cheating on Frank and doing with the kids something I would normally discourage in an otherwise normal school night.  You see, I don’t volunteer in the classroom; it’s taken me the whole year to schedule a “reading” session with my son’s class; the babysitter makes a better sandwich than I do and I’m pretty sure the girl scout troop is scared of me. So I’m going to take any advantage I can.

Mind you, I’m not good at hiding my cheating ways. Thirty seconds after this posts, his email will tweedle its arrival. He will read it (at least he claims he does), so I do this with full knowledge that he is now fully aware and I’m stone cold busted.

But he’s traveling right now and can’t do a damn thing about it.   Heh heh heh…

You could have at least said good morning…

Starting slowly the
fog of sleepiness descends,
then boom! I’m socked in.

I was just the tiniest bit awake… only barely aware that my dream world had merged gently with the real world. It was a nice place, and I was vaguely aware that at any moment, I would drop back into full slumber.

And then you called. I pulled back from sleep and realized it was only an hour before the alarm was to go off – 5:44am. I picked up the phone… “Helllloooo?” I asked with my most inquiring, throaty, half asleep, whiney voice. If you were bold enough to wake me up, then I was going to use all my powers of guilt to make sure you knew it.

You said nothing. Nada.  ничего. You just paused ever so briefly, your already awake brain likely quickly processing the fact that you just woke up a complete stranger at an ungodly hour, someone clearly who was not meant to wake up yet, who was not your intended target.

You could have at least said something. Perhaps an “I’m so sorry. It really sucks that I woke you up. I feel bad. Get some rest. I won’t do it again.”  Or maybe just “I’m a complete dork. I should have been more careful. Sorry ma’am.” (A ma’am at this moment would have been welcome.) But no, you said nothing and hung up. Perhaps you thought about saying something, but your cowardice won out? Perhaps you were trying to call the cops and couldn’t manage an apology because the bad guy was closing in. Could be any number of scenarios.

I don’t care. I just want you to know one thing. This is important. I want you to think really hard about what I’m about to say.

I have your phone number, Mr or Ms 513-687-xxxx. It’s called caller ID. And it means I know how to reach you. One night, and you’ll never know which one it will be, I’ll wander around until I find a payphone and call you. At 4:07am. On a Saturday. I might say something to you like “hey, remember a few weeks back when you woke up a complete stranger at 5:44am and didn’t even apologize? Well that’s me. Have a nice day.” Or I might lightly gasp and hang up. Perhaps I’ll redial, pretending that I had just fat fingered the number the first time.  Maybe I’ll laugh maniacally or sing the Brady Bunch Theme. Or maybe I will set a great example and say “I’m a complete dork. I should have been more careful. Sorry ma’am. Go back to sleep”.  Who knows. I need to give it some more thought.

In any event, you likely won’t appreciate it or see the humor in it. I’m ok with that.

Sleep well.

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