Blissful denial
Wraps its arms around me, but
Can’t … reach … all … the …. way…
—————————————————-

Dear Direct Marketing Association,

Now I’m pissed. Many moons ago you thought it was funny to send me a catalog I described in this post: Depressing Mail. It was targeted to old people; people waaaay older and far less mobile than I am. Today, however, you went too far.

I present the following as evidence:  Brylane Home presents: plus+sized living.

Are you effing kidding me? An entire catalog filled with extra wide chairs, each annotated with how much weight they will handle: “24 inches wide!” (with a helpful arrow showing the distance between arm rests in a recliner);  “350 lbs. capacity!” Plus all the home accessories the targeted market might want: scales that project your weight onto the wall since you are clearly too rotund to see the number between your toes or scales that analyze your body water, since when you weigh 350 lbs knowing that 5 pounds of it is water weight is such a relief; bed rails to drag your fat ass out of bed; and always a fan favorite – the comfort wipe — which you can use with your new toilet seat that holds 1200 lbs. (I am not making this up.)

The Comfort Wipe. Photo courtesy of Brylanehome.com

Surprising to find are the following gems: Extra large comforters (interestingly, I’ve been searching for larger coverlets, not because I’m such a beached whale in bed that I steal covers from my husband upon turning, but because I like my bedspread to go mostly to the floor, which is surprisingly hard to find);  extra deep storage wardrobes (I had no clue that normal wardrobes wouldn’t fit my clothes); the Back Seat organizer, which is pictured holding 2 cans of soda pop, french fries and a wrap sandwich; and cookware and appliances, because when you are fat, you might as well give in and cook with the finest tools possible (and sit at kitchenettes customized to your expansive girth).

You know, when you send me the catalog of cool clothes modeled by lithe African-American models, I don’t mind so much. It’s kind of fun to fantasize about wearing glamorous dresses and Ascot-worthy hats to some unknown function that I would clearly be mistakenly invited to. But this POS? No thank you. Regardless of the fact that yes, I am indeed in your target market of plus sized, I come nowhere near challenging your weight limits on office chairs, shower stools and assistance devices.  Ok, so I like the bedspread on page 22 (in chocolate please, heh heh heh), but I refuse to acknowledge the potential usefulness of anything else in this rag.

Please remove me from this mailing list.

Regards (but still pissed),

Maureen

(PS – to those offended by this post, who do indeed benefit from such items, my sincere and deepest apologies. I hope these items bring ease and comfort to your life. Especially the comfort wipe, because if you need that, I want you to have that. Like right now. Pronto.)